Exhaustion is Nothing

Exhaustion is

exhausting

Like a barking dog, I’m afraid

but I don’t know of what

Something out there

I don’t know what it is

So—

do I keep barking?

Panting, breathing, wondering, needing

to know what’s going on

What’s out there/what’s in here

with Me?

I’m afraid of what I can’t see

If I just

Feel

my way to the light

Moth-like, quick

fluttering bursts of flight

Slowly, quavering up and down, up and down

I can sense that yes, there is something there

Instead of what/nothing, there is something

I do not know what, but

At least

There is something

Two weeks ago on my way to school, I looked up to find I was driving.  Hurtling down the freeway, cars on all sides.  What was I doing, I asked myself.  Propelling down a familiar trajectory I felt . . . nothing.  Can you be aware enough to travel a well-worn path while simultaneously being unaware enough to notice nothing at all?  I learned in that moment that the answer was yes.  As a social work student, I love the  idea of self-awareness; all problems and questions in life can usually be made simpler and more manageable via the process of self-examination.  As an idealist, I also love self-awareness because it helps in living life to the fullest–maximizing the opportunities that life offers you.  My exhaustion on this particular day was so great that I felt as I was driving aimlessly; not just in my car, but in life.  I was so tired that I could not “see” beyond the moment I was in.  A dotted white line, the pac-man maze of cars, and me.  It was one of those moments in which you can either slap yourself in the face and snap out of it or slip downward into a comfortable and familiar spiral of despair and apathy for the day (blah, blah, nothing matters, I’m in a bad mood and I’m going to stay that way).  What did I do?  I slapped myself enough to move over three lanes and make my exit, parked my car, got on my bike, rode to my weekly counseling appointment and safely broke down into a soft pile of tears and self-consciousness.

Thank God for therapy.